Another month down and not just any: June, the halfway point! Shouldn’t I be all zen like, a lotus of tranquility, strong, buff and radiating yogic energy..? Maybe not!
“When we saw you, we thought, if that’s what doing Bikram Yoga everyday does to you, we don’t want a part of it!” Harsh words spoken more than once in the last few months, but I have to laugh, as I feel and see it in the mirror too. I’m worn out. One day it’s mental, the next physical, and lately it’s both. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I’m soaring with the clouds or floating in an ocean of relaxation. But lately these are few and far between.
But it’s an experiment too, this challenge. Bikram says, it’s a daily practice and I totally subscribe to that train of thought, but right now, I kinda feel like a break. As I rode to the studio one day in Luzern, I felt I was on the way to work! Haha, that was when I knew I’d hit new lows! During class, as I lay in Savasana, I was sprawled elsewhere, in a savanna being mauled by the beasts of pain, desperation and exhaustion. I knew I was losing it but before I could reel in my racing breath, thumping heart, and crushed will, I cried out in silence: “I’ve had enough.. I want a day off.. I need it.. just one day and I’ll be ok”.
I feel my practice has deteriorated and I’m sure the new progress pics will show this (I was even too tired to take them after class today). I feel slack, as if I just didn’t put the effort in last month and when I’m low, the good ol’ Catholic guilt kicks in: mind bashing me with not documenting the journey enough, not writing enough, “where’s the freakin video, Matt?!”
“Who are you doing this for anyway?” Aleksandra asked me on my last night in Luzern. Hmm good point. Time to reflect, regroup, regetoffmyass! Back to square one. Start again. What have I gained, what have I lost, and what do I want to do differently?
Giving up is not an option! Stay tuned folks, this month is going to be a killer.. whoo, yeah, pumped!!