6 months in, 180 days in a row but where the hell am I?

lost in the forest bowAnother month down and not just any: June, the halfway point! Shouldn’t I be all zen like, a lotus of tranquility, strong, buff and radiating yogic energy..? Maybe not!

“When we saw you, we thought, if that’s what doing Bikram Yoga everyday does to you, we don’t want a part of it!” Harsh words spoken more than once in the last few months, but I have to laugh, as I feel and see it in the mirror too. I’m worn out. One day it’s mental, the next physical, and lately it’s both. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I’m soaring with the clouds or floating in an ocean of relaxation. But lately these are few and far between.

But it’s an experiment too, this challenge. Bikram says, it’s a daily practice and I totally subscribe to that train of thought, but right now, I kinda feel like a break. As I rode to the studio one day in Luzern, I felt I was on the way to work! Haha, that was when I knew I’d hit new lows! During class, as I lay in Savasana, I was sprawled elsewhere, in a savanna being mauled by the beasts of pain, desperation and exhaustion. I knew I was losing it but before I could reel in my racing breath, thumping heart, and crushed will, I cried out in silence: “I’ve had enough.. I want a day off.. I need it..  just one day and I’ll be ok”.

Aleksandra seeking the way forthI feel my practice has deteriorated and I’m sure the new progress pics will show this (I was even too tired to take them after class today). I feel slack, as if I just didn’t put the effort in last month and when I’m low, the good ol’ Catholic guilt kicks in: mind bashing me with not documenting the journey enough, not writing enough, “where’s the freakin video, Matt?!”

“Who are you doing this for anyway?” Aleksandra asked me on my last night in Luzern. Hmm good point. Time to reflect, regroup, regetoffmyass! Back to square one. Start again. What have I gained, what have I lost, and what do I want to do differently?

Giving up is not an option! Stay tuned folks, this month is going to be a killer.. whoo, yeah, pumped!!

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9 Responses to 6 months in, 180 days in a row but where the hell am I?

  1. Dagi July 4, 2009 at 8:25 am #

    Hey Matt, that’s just a typical halfway-through-hangover. So, putting it the Aussie way: No worries mate, you’ll be fine!
    And don’t you ever doubt the sense of it! Don’t worry about videos or not writing enough. All this doesn’t matter. You are gaining the experience of your life and losing nothing. Just keep that in mind!

  2. Tanya July 4, 2009 at 10:54 pm #

    Congratulations on getting this far, Matt! Have achieved this milestone, I’m sure you can complete the loop! Cheers! T.

  3. Yvonne July 5, 2009 at 5:39 pm #

    Hi Matt,

    It gets like this sometimes doesn’t it..this journey we call life. Hang in there, your probably one pose away from nirvana….ha ha.
    I would love to interview you for my blog when you are all done for the year!
    Bend happy 🙂

  4. Anne July 6, 2009 at 2:10 pm #

    Hang in there, Matt! As the great saying goes, “That which does not kill you makes you stronger.” No stress… just maintain your focus. You’ll jump this hurdle, too. Namaste.

  5. nelli July 8, 2009 at 6:15 pm #

    hey Matt,

    i agree to all the comments. hang in there…this is such an amezing thing but don’t blame bikram yoga….you’ve been traveling the past 6 months, a lot of stuff to organize, away from home, staying at so many different places, so many new people, new faces every month, don’t underrate this but keep on going.

    “You are gaining the experience of your life and losing nothing”.

    You will receive the benefits of this journey probably even years later. Your body and mind is changing but you don’t have to see it immediately, it is happening slowly but consistently and from my experience most of the change will happen after the journey.

    And don’t worry about writing or not, (eventhough i love to read your blog and was already thinking about visiting you in Luzern, i am from germany, staying in frankfurt right now) it all doesn’t matter. In training Bikram always asked us ” what is the most important thing in your life?” and the answer always was -YOUR life-

    keep it up man! So impressed of you, your challange, your thoughts, your words, this life!

    namaste

  6. nickelass July 8, 2009 at 8:57 pm #

    You know what you need…don’t you Matt….a big can of hard’n da f$%k up!!…..dry your eyes princess!!…you’re in the navy now, not the boy scouts!!!……oohh wait..you’re not in the navy any more…. Oh, that’s right you’re swanning around the world doing a bit of stretching everyday… you poor bastard. You need a steak.

    I think it was Ice Cube who said, in a rare philosophical moment “I can do it, put yo ass into it” and “don’t stop giddy giddy”.

    PUT YO ASS INTO IT MATT!! …and stop slacking

  7. Matt July 10, 2009 at 6:56 am #

    Hahaha OK, on that note, I think it’s time I wrote a post! I’ve had a bit of R&R (rest & relaxation) this past week and I may just have to slip on a little Gangsta Rap on the bike ride to my next class!
    Thanks for the comments and emails: a little bit of good and bad cop.. worked a treat!

  8. Heidi Jermyn July 11, 2009 at 12:48 am #

    Ha!! Nickelass – love it. Very funny 😀

  9. Yoga Girl July 11, 2009 at 3:39 am #

    I love Nickelass’ comments because I’m such a nice yoga girl I would NEVER think of writing that hard-ass way. I’m more of a “you can do it”, “don’t give up”, “you poor baby, I know it’s hard”, etc kinda girl. But maybe that’s changing…
    PUT YO ASS INTO IT MATT!!