I feel even though I’m at a turning point, I have no-one to turn to. In reality, I have many people to turn to. I should feel lucky but I don’t. I could go either way but I can’t. Wherever I turn, I’m turned around. I guess I’ve used all my flip cards and the only one left is the joker. Oh, so the joker is me. I love to joke around and I’d rather be the joker than the ace or the king. The queen may want the ace but she lives with the king and the only person that can make her laugh is me. I like being the joker and even though the queen is out of reach, I can still make her eyes twinkle once in a while. Once in a while I’m happy enough not to be the joker. If I could deal myself again, the two comes to mind. I think I identify with the two more-so than the high born jack. The two is quite close to the ace you know. What suit, I hear you shuffling? Spades too cool, clubs too brutal, hearts too vulnerable and diamonds too sharp. Let’s try again: Spades too dull, clubs too dumb, hearts too soft, diamonds too much. Did I change a thing? No, sometimes it’s too hard to change a thing. Too hard, too easy. I may have to drop the “too” to see. To see, to feel, to know. After Yoga, I sign off my practice by raising namaska to my mouth, “speak the truth”, then to my eyes, “see the truth”, to my forehead, “know the truth, then to my chest, “so help me God”. I don’t like saying “God” so I immediately acknowledge God as me. Since I broke up with Veronika, I’ve felt something (God?) missing so as I bring my hands to my chest I add, “feel the truth” hoping to find my heart. My head hurts even though I’m looking for my heart. Am I looking for my heart inside my head? “I think, therefore I am”. Fuck you René Descartes! My head hurts because I got sick on my last day in Stockholm, simple as that. My body also aches. Now I’m in beautiful, run down Budapest; look down and feel life, choose to look up and feel awe. The majestic buildings of the past. But I’m sure if you looked down back then, much the same feelings would arise. Arise and look up? Maybe that’s the key! I could go on but I’ve written myself out of woe, I think. Oi be careful now!
This morning I looked over the balcony in my underwear and as I stood still, many were moving. I’m in a new part of town and wasn’t feeling majestic at all. Plus I had the smell of falafel roll simmering under my arms. I observed for a while and felt lost. Then creative and snapped some shots. Whether you’re walking your dog, your baby, a straight line or standing still, life goes on. It’s ok to think, to feel, to not know sometimes and even if those sometimes become many times, it’s still ok. Being creative helps in some way. So pick up a camera, a pen, an instrument or a thread. Sometimes you don’t need a microphone to get things out.
